There’s a list of questions that I have to answer every time I see my psychiatrist. I’m sure I’ll forget a couple so I’ll share those that I can remember.
How have you been sleeping?
How’s your appetite?
Have you gained or lost weight? How much?
Have you had any crying spells?
What’s your level of concentration on a scale of 1 to 10?
Memory on a scale of 1 to 10?
Mood on a scale of 1 to 10?
What’s your energy level on a scale of 1 to 10?
Have there been any major life changes to occur since we last spoke?
Have you had any suicidal thoughts?
Have you had any hallucinations?
Because I have to answer the same questions every 3 months, I can answer them without much thought. Ok , so here I go. I get 5 to 6 hours of sleep most nights, which is a feat for me. My appetite waivers. I don’t have a 2 or 3 meal a day routine but when my mood dips, eating is one of those things that I don’t put energy into doing. My weight can fluctuate but I rarely gain or lose enough to matter. Crying spells are always a yes for me. I joke that I can cry on cue. I really can and it is not a good thing. Two things that depression has stolen from me is my ability to concentrate and my memory. My energy is typically an 8 unless I’m having a depressive episode. Since March of 2020 I have had way too many major life changes to count. I am proud to report that I have not any suicidal thoughts in over 5 years, thank you Jesus! Very rarely have I experienced hallucinations.
If you were paying attention then you noticed that I didn’t write a response for mood. That’s because this is the one question that impacts my response to all of the other questions. My mood impacts my appetite, sleep, my ability to self regulate and so much more. Basically if I’m good I’m good, but when I am not I’m not.
Just to put it out there these questions annoyed me until not too long ago. I didn’t understand why they were important. I didn’t understand that I could use these same questions to monitor my mood which in turn could help me to self-regulate. I now use these questions to do self-checks so that I know where I am mentally. I also share my honest responses with my psychiatrist. Before my attempt, and for a long time after my attempt, I gave the “right” responses even if they were not honest responses. This led to a lot of internal suffering.
Here’s the thing. I used to lie to my psychiatrist but I also lied to myself. I never really wanted to know my true responses to these questions. I thought it would reveal just how broken I was. It took a very long time before I was able to acknowledge my mental illness. I actually think that’s part of the reason it took me so long to get stable. I wasn’t honest. I was ashamed of what it meant to have a mental illness. I now share with anyone who will listen that I am a suicide survivor and I that I have a mental illness. I want people to see that mental illness doesn’t look like what they think. Shoot, maybe it does. That’s ok too. Somewhere along the line I decided that I was worth the effort and work that it takes to be whole. I want you to know that you are worth it too!
If you, or someone you know, is having a mental health crisis please seek help. 988 is the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Call or Text to get help.