If you follow Worth It then you know that I have a diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder. For many years this carried shame, but more so than shame it carried guilt. My son, Jeremy was 9 when I had my mental breakdown. It wasn’t until his 21st birthday that he was able to share how it impacted him.
I was quite the hands-on mom when Jeremy was growing up. He tackled a kid when he was playing soccer so I thought let’s try football. He didn’t seem to be that into football so after a few years of playing football we tried basketball. When he was in the 5th grade he decided he wanted to take dance so dance it was. Then when he went to middle school he found his passion on the stage.
I wasn't only pouring into Jeremy’s extracurricular likes where I fostered curiosity, I also encouraged a love of academic learning as well as the Arts. There was story time at the library, a brief lived yoga class, the GSU Science Bus, and summer enrichment camps at Mercer and GSU. He and I had an annual date to see Alvin Ailey at the Fox. He traveled to Florida, Tennessee, Alabama, South Carolina, Missouri, San Francisco and New York all before he was 9. I believed in exposure as a part of my parenting.
I've also always been big on open communication so Jeremy and I would go to different restaurants and talk about everything and nothing all at once. We’d go on staycations and to spas to build our relationship in non-judgment zones. Jeremy and I had a pact that he could talk to me about anything no matter what it was so imagine how terrified I was when I got a call from one of his friends saying he had taken some pills because he wanted to die. It was the summer before his 9th grade year of high school and while I knew he had been having a rough time I had no idea how rough. That night when I went into his room to kiss him goodnight and tell him it was about time to get off of FaceTime he was definitely moody but no more than he had been for the past 3 or 4 months. We ended up in the emergency room. They took us to a room that only had a chair and a sheet. That night forever changed us. They didn’t keep him because he was not in crisis.
I have degrees in Psychology and Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, years of work experience, and a personal history with mental illness that should’ve opened my eyes to see that Jeremy was struggling. Maybe I was too close to see them. Maybe I dismissed his struggles as teenage angst. I just know that I didn’t see them.
Some of Jeremy’s mental health troubles would occur while he was at school. I couldn’t have predicted that I would receive a call from his high school informing me that I would need to pick him up and take him to get assessed or they would transport him to the hospital from school. (Sidenote: I am very grateful for the wonderful teachers at HHS. It was because of them that I learned just how unstable my son was.
I would love to say that Jeremy’s challenges ended as a result of a wonderful treatment plan and a great mental health provider, but that just isn’t true. Jeremy would be hospitalized a few times, go through a couple of therapists before finding an awesome one (Shout out to Robin), and go undiagnosed due to his age before we would even begin to scratch the surface of what was at the root of his mental health challenges. He had identifiable daddy issues that stemmed from the divorce. I encouraged and pushed him and his father to face their issues head on. Neither were good at dealing with what's at the heart of their problems so it wasn’t easy for them to get to a place where they could acknowledge one another’s feelings and figure out a way to move forward.
I am a solutions oriented person so my objective has always been what can I do to provide Jeremy with the support that he needs in order to be healthy and whole. When I learned that one of his biggest issues was me I was floored! He was in the 4th grade when I was unable to manage my mental health and it had left a scar that he couldn’t heal alone. I was so concerned about him performing academically, making sure his teen crushes didn’t get out of hand, and encouraging a relationship with his dad that I missed what should’ve been evident.
Jeremy lost his mom for over a year. All of the time that I spent making sure that he could experience various activities so that he would be well-rounded came to a screeching halt as a result of my suicide attempt. He was well cared for and he was still able to participate in all of his activities but he didn’t understand my absence. He didn’t understand my behavior when I returned from my hospitalizations. At the time no one thought to get him a counselor. They were focused on keeping his routine and getting me the help that I needed. He was loved for sure, but he needed me to love him and I wasn’t able to love him in the way that he was used to me loving him.
This year on Jeremy’s 21st birthday when his father and I had our bi-annual sit down check in with him he shared that he had mommy issues. That is when he felt safe enough and strong enough to share the repercussions my attempt had on him. It healed a part of him and left me some serious processing to do. Jeremy shared that he felt lighter after telling me. In a way I did too. I was proud of him. He was finding the voice that he needed to really start the work of healing.
This year makes 7 years since Jeremy's last self-injurious behavior. He takes pride in reminding me every September of how very far he has come. He still has struggles but he is growing and learning how to take care of his mental health. He is also getting better about not lying about his emotions. He is also learning to allow me and his dad to help him through hard times.
November is Men’s Health Month and a key part of being healthy is taking care of your mental health. I shared a portion of Jeremy’s story (with his permission and blessing) in hopes of breaking the stigma surrounding mental illness in men. Men are taught to man up. Yet that version of manning up negates that 76% of suicides are by men. Talk to the men in your life about their mental well-being. Provide them with a safe space to talk because true manning up is being the very best version of yourself because you know you're worth it, and you are worth it!
*If you or someone you know is in crisis and in need of immediate help please call 911/ call or text 988.