There was a time when I mourned my old self. I mourned who I used to be. It was hard to let go of her because it was the only me that I had known. Recovering from the attempt was hard but trying to find my place after the attempt was even harder. It took time to recover from the attempt and from the life that had betrayed me. A big thing for me was learning to trust that I wouldn’t hurt myself again. This was especially true because I did not know who I was outside of my attempt. If I were the same person then trusting myself was scary. On the other hand, if I were different I wouldn’t know myself well enough to trust myself.
My identity after the attempt was hard for me to define. Who was I? I couldn’t be the self-confident woman I once was because if I were I would not have attempted suicide. I couldn’t be the strong woman who pushed through life’s struggles because if I were I would not have attempted suicide. I definitely wasn’t the woman who’s hard work would pay off because if I were I wouldn’t have attempted suicide. Understanding that the woman I had been before the attempt is not the woman I became after the attempt left me feeling lost. I survived my attempt but now I was like, now what?
Learning how to handle new Lorna consisted of me getting to know what I like and dislike, setting boundaries that protect my mental health, and learning to be intentional in the way that I care for myself. The positives surrounding getting comfortable with the woman I am now versus the woman I was before the attempt have far outweighed the negatives. It was difficult to get to know myself and what I liked and did not like. I started with things that brought me joy prior to my attempt. Some I enjoyed and others felt forced. I let go of the things that didn’t bring about authentic happiness. Over time I was able to try things that were outside of my comfort zone. Believe it or not I’ve found that I enjoy things that stretch me.
Setting boundaries was the hardest thing that post-attempt Lorna had to learn and grow through. One of my therapists told me that I taught people how to treat me. She said that if it no longer served me then I would have to reteach people how to interact with me by setting boundaries. In my post-attempt world setting boundaries means being clear when communicating what does and does not serve me as well as being clear with others about how they can interact with you. Setting boundaries is a respectful way to share what you will and will not accept. It does take being a good communicator. I experienced a great deal of push back when I first began communicating how I was going to allow others to treat me. If the quote from my therapist holds true then the people who had a problem with the boundaries that I had set really had a problem that I would no longer allow them to treat me with anything other than care.
The final thing that helped me gain a sense of the woman I had become was learning about self-care and understanding that I had to be intentional in my efforts to treat myself with love, kindness, and respect. My pre-attempt life consisted of me making sure that everyone else was OK yet neglecting the signs that my mind and body were giving me that I was not OK. Connecting with nature is a part of my self-care and it’s not something that I would’ve considered pre-attempt. Somehow over the years I had forgotten how to take care of myself with intentionality. I had to retrain my brain to know that I am worth all of the good that God brings my way. Sure I had a very hard time leading up to my attempt, but there is life after my attempt and I am going to live it!
Sometimes when we are going through struggles we have to take a pause and mourn the loss of what we thought our story was going to look like. If that leads you on a journey of getting to know yourself on a deeper level, setting boundaries to protect your peace, or expressing love towards yourself intentionally I’d say you're on a path to growth and healing. Take your time, and don't skip steps. I think you are worth the time that you pour into yourself to become wholeand healthy. I hope you feel that you are worth it too!
***If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please dial or text the National Suicide and Crisis LifeLine at 988. Support is available 24/7/365.