I had a conversation today that really impacted me. I have been struggling lately with pushing through the hard part. It’s not like I am overly sad or anything. I am not feeling much of anything. If you have depression, or an understanding of depression, this doesn’t sound strange. Anyway, I was talking to a parent today who’s toddler son is having a lot of tantrums. He is frustrated because he cannot communicate his needs. She is frustrated because despite her best efforts to help him things are not getting better. He’s a toddler who is having tantrums and meltdowns often because he can’t communicate his needs.
Lately I have not been in a space where I could figure out exactly what has been going on. I can’t put words to it. I feel blah and disinterested in most situations is as close as I can get to expressing my feelings. I am a 50 year old woman who’s been in somewhat of a meltdown place out of frustration. I am not crying for long periods of time, refusing foods, or scratching myself like a toddler. Instead my meltdown has manifested in more adult ways. I shutdown instead of talking, I isolate, and I hide from reality.
It’s amazing when I think about how much my behavior does not serve me in the same way that the toddler’s behavior does not serve him. I fall behind on goals and deadlines that I set for myself. I eat more bad foods than good. If I look at my actions in relation to this toddler there are more similarities than differences. I am diagnosed with a Major Depressive Disorder so some of my behaviors are textbook. The same is true for the little Mister. He’s a toddler with communication limits. He is probably tired of everyone’s inability to understand him and so he has meltdowns or acts out. I don’t act out in the traditional sense of the word. I typically don’t act at all. I don’t have the energy of a toddler so when I am unable to stop and withdraw like I need to my body rescues me and I get sick. He probably cries himself to sleep or cries until he makes himself sick.That’s what I have been experiencing lately. I isolated and withdrew to a point of sickness, or in my case a depressive episode.
It is funny that my episodes are not as urgent as they once were when I would harm myself, yet they can leave me debilitated for days. Like this toddler, I figure out that my behavior is not serving me and I slowly come back to myself. I clean up and do laundry if I haven't for a while. I’ll start eating better. I give myself short and easy goals so that I feel accomplished upon completing them. I wrote in a post this week that mental illness is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot to regain my state of mental balance just as it is hard for the toddler to calm down from his tantrum. Both me and the toddler are working on regulating our emotions. I should be further along in the process than he is because I have 40+ years on him.
The reality of my illness is I will continue to work towards a better understanding of my emotions and how to better regulate them. This is true for the toddler as well. I’m sure his mother would tell you that it is worth the hard work that she pours into her son when he conquers an emotional meltdown because she knows that she can help him through other meltdowns. I am worth all of the hard work that I put in to walk in my healing. I don’t know what’s been hard for you lately but I can tell you that you are worth every ounce of fighting that will help you through it.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis please call or text 988.