Some might say that I make big life decisions without much thought, but that's not true. As a matter of fact, it's the opposite. I am an overthinker by nature. Primarily because a lot of times I operate out of fear so I tend to ruminate on the what ifs.There was a time that fear would stop me from making moves in my life. Now I operate out of a place even though I have fear I will not allow it to stop me from living. I am in a constant state of, “what do I have to lose”? My latest example is buying a house and moving within a month to selling the house that I just bought and moving back home within 3 months. If your math is mathing then you understand that I bought a house and sold 2 houses within 4 months! If that’s not the epitome of YOLO then I’m not sure what is!
I cannot let fear stop me from living, “been there done that”. I now understand that I have nothing to lose. You see, there was a point in time that I lost everything that I thought was near and dear to me. I lost my marriage, my house, my job, time with my son and my family in a short time span, so once I arrived at a place where I was stable and healed I decided that I had nothing else to lose. I decided I would try new things,travel, and make lots of memories. I also decided that I would walk away from jobs, relationships and anything else that did not align with me being in a state of peace. Losing everything helps me to forgive more freely too. Don't get it twisted, forgiving is not the same as allowing attitudes and behaviors in my life that disrupt my peace. It simply means not holding onto grudges and letting go of the pain of the past.
All of this sounds great, and it is, but there is one thing that still holds me back if I’m completely honest. It’s my battle with anxiety which is a byproduct of my mental illness. Mental illness is not rational and that is what brings about my biggest fears. I’m not always sure how things will play out. I could have the time of my life or get triggered by the crowd (or lack thereof) and have a panic attack. This means that I talk myself into and out of events that bring about an unwarranted nervousness that I cannot shake. I actually don’t think it’s talking myself in or out of as much as understanding my triggers. I am doing so much better accepting my illness and all that it brings. I no longer berate myself for an illness that does not allow me to participate in events. I choose to give myself grace instead.
Living a YOLO life is my new normal. It’s a calculated YOLO that allows me to honor my needs while living the best life that I can. Accepting that there are times that I need to bow out gracefully is very different from operating out of fear in my opinion. I don't know what the future looks like. Shoot, if i’m honest I don't know what my day to day looks like. I do know that fear will not be the thing that hinders me from experiencing whatever my future holds. I am worth all of the good that God gives me! You’re worth it too!