Sad

I am sad. The thing about being a suicide attempt survivor is there is very little room for feeling sad. People don’t trust you to be sad. It’s one thing for me to not be able to trust my emotions but it’s another for others who don’t trust me or my emotions. In my intellect I am sick of not being trusted. Sick probably isn’t the best term to choose in this instance but it is what came to mind. 

Am I not allowed to feel my feelings? It’s almost as if expressing my feelings is not welcome. I lied about my feelings for so long and I refuse to do that again. Lying and hiding my feelings nearly cost me my life. I will not go back to hiding my feelings even when it makes others uncomfortable. 

The thing is even when people know that I have a right to express sadness they have a hard time allowing me to do so. Then I fall into place because I don’t want them to worry. 

Last week after attending my 5th funeral this year I started crying. It started with a tear streaming down my cheek. I wiped that tear but the stream wouldn’t stop. The next thing I knew I was having a full blown panic attack because I couldn’t stop that dang tear. 

The weird thing is I used my tools. I asked for help. The first person I asked said they couldn’t help. I then reached out to someone else who said that they would help to take something off of my to do list. I then sought out emotional support. That caused worry because I hadn’t had a panic attack in a few years. I was now being watched. I used my tools yet it felt as if I was being punished for it. That was fine because I advocated for myself and stated that my feelings were rational and I had a right to them.

Outside of sadness I don’t like to talk on the phone because when my mental battery is low it steals my energy; energy that I can’t afford to lose. After the panic attack I took a mental health day from the phone. I texted those who called me and was honest about why I didn’t answer the phone. One person respected my feelings. Another person tried to feel me out to see when I would be available for them. I communicated clearly that I did not have the answer.

There are times when I question if my emotions are betraying me. Right now I am clear that my feelings are valid. On April 10, 2025 while grabbing lunch with a friend I received a call that my 35 year old brother had died. Since that day there have been 5 more calls or texts to tell me that someone else has passed so last week when that first tear fell but wouldn’t stop I was forced to deal with the trauma of repeated loss in a short period of time. 

As I deal with the core of my current state of mind I do not have the capacity to also deal with the feelings of others who struggle with my sadness. I am sad. I am sad because of my loss and the loss of those I love. My sadness is valid. Allowing myself to accept my feelings and not skirting past them to make others comfortable is growth. I am worth the time needed to process my feelings. If you need time to grieve please allow yourself that time because you're worth it too.