Signs and Symptoms

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. Research shows that there are signs to look for. Many of those signs are not the ones you see in movies. I was a successful educator who was highly respected. I would check on people within my circle and encourage them through various things that were going on in their lives. I laughed and cracked jokes; many at my own expense. I sought medical help. I took my medication as prescribed. I went to outpatient programs that my psychiatrist recommended.

This is not to say that there were no signs that I was struggling. Work was just about all I could muster. My bed was my safe place. I didn’t have much energy so I slept a lot. I cried a lot. I cried so much that I began to try and hide my tears; choosing to release most of them in the shower or at night when I went to bed. I wasn’t able to explain what I was feeling to others, but I asked for help. Many of the symptoms I had went unnoticed because I didn’t want to bother anyone with my “stuff”.

From my personal experience here are some signs to look for:

• Unexplained fatigue

• Crying spells (There were days that I couldn’t stop crying.)

• Overwhelming sadness

• Poor hygiene (I would go days without bathing because it took so much energy to do so.)

• Avoiding talking about feelings when asked (I would flip the topic back to you or change the topic entirely.)

• Anxious (Depression and Anxiety are really good friends and they like to travel together.)

• Less social (I avoided most social gatherings because of my crying spells. I was afraid that I would start crying and wouldn't be able to stop so I would choose to stay at home.)

• Poor eating habits (I wouldn’t eat for a day or so and then I would choose the easiest thing to eat when I did eat. If it was a bag of chips then it was a bag of chips. If it was canned corn then it was canned corn.)

• Clutter (I am an extremely organized person so if my space was cluttered it’s because I couldn’t handle my typical cleaning routine).

These behaviors were ongoing although I did have moments where I was able to manage my normal routine. The day of my attempt my dad called. I told him I was sad. I had never felt that level of hopelessness before. I was tired, exhausted even. My depression had become too much for me to handle and I no longer wanted to try. 

As we enter National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month it is important for me to share my symptoms but also to stress it doesn’t look the same in everyone. Robin Williams' symptoms did not look like Stephen “Twitch Boss’s. Anne Burrell’s symptoms didn’t look like Ian Alexander Jr’s. The important thing is to be present with those you love in hopes of picking up on their mental health struggles. 

I now know that I am worth the fight. You’re worth it too!